SILENCE IN A RELATIONSHIP

Introduction

It is generally believed, and truly so, that no relationship can survive without communication. Often times, breakdown in interpersonal relationship is ascribed to poor communication. In this era of super-abundance of means of communication, it has become easier and faster for people to reach out to one another. And falling in love has become rampant, and often presumed even before it actually happens. As this generation is heavily armed with ultramodern gadgets, it might be taken for granted that communication barriers can easily be conquered. Nevertheless, it has become increasingly difficult to sustain a relationship. Healthy and life-giving relationships have never been this scarce. In most cases, surviving marriages are “endured” rather than “enjoyed.” It is obvious, therefore, that the super-abundance of modern gadgets does not automatically guarantee deepened interpersonal communication. Words alone are not enough.

Words and Silence

However, words and gestures of love are indispensable. Where either of these two is lacking, the relationship will be covered with a cloud of doubt. And if this cloud thickens, it will rain tension and separation. Good intention is not enough; we must say and express in concrete gestures what we feel and mean. Therefore, words and gestures are symbolic! This implies they point to something other than themselves. Yes, when these become ends in themselves, they become deceptive and dangerous. Thus, what is said and what is expressed through gifts and gestures of love must reveal “the secrets of the heart,” and open up the heart for interpersonal encounter. Hence, the love to be exchanged resides in the silence of the heart.

It is from this silence of the heart that the love relationship germinates. Fulton Sheen would say, “Love begins with a dream”—in the silent imagination of the heart. Over and above words and external expressions of love, silence is the platform, the habitat, or the appropriate atmospheric condition to plant, nurture and grow a loving and life-giving interpersonal relationship. But words and gestures are the indispensable nutritional condition without which the relationship becomes malnourished and deficient. 

It appears we are faced with an irony: words flow from silence—the contemplation of the heart—and should lead us back to a deeper and more diversified contemplation. Where interpersonal communication does not give one space to oscillate between words and silence or where silence is extinguished, there is every indication that a malfunctioning has been set in motion. On the other hand, where silence becomes concentrated and does not allow words and gestures of love to germinate, it has become acidic. No interpersonal relationship can germinate on such acidic soil. And if an existing relationship begins to grow on that acidic soil of silence, it becomes poisonous. 

The Sound of Silence in a Relationship 

The place of silence can further be highlighted when we realize love speaks louder through the eyes than through the mouth. Silence speaks. Love cannot be said to germinate until we can hear its sound in silence. This is so because love enables us to have a personal touch, an interpersonal encounter that goes beyond words. Such a loving encounter must be freely given and freely received. And its continued existence should enhance the inner freedom of the self. Thus, to be in a relationship can be simplified as opening oneself to “receive” the other, and allowing oneself to be “received” by the other. Here lies the freedom and joy of the encounter. A healthy relationship cannot be formed by “imposing” oneself on the other, often through much “noise” or excessive communication, and bombarding the fellow with gestures. A healthy communication must be personal—it carries an aspect of the person. In other words, we “share” ourselves because healthy communication flows from the silence of the heart.

Love should be received. A relationship cannot be said to exist until one is freely received by the other. Fear of rejection and different kinds of complexes have made some people to end up in unhealthy relationship. We must seriously consider whether the other has freely received the love before moving ahead in the encounter. Silence is important in building up our capacity to receive others and in allowing ourselves to be received, and to patiently journey with them until they receive us. 

Nature takes its course. If our mansion of relationship is not laid on the foundation of the silence of the heart, sooner or later, the edifice will collapse into an acidic soil of silence.

........To be continued
 

Fr Jude Chinwenwa Nwachukwu, C.Ss.R

7/06/2016

www.nwachinwe.blogspot.com