WHY AM I AFRAID OF SILENCE?

PART 1: SILENCE CONFRONTS


Silence draws one into an encounter. In it we hear all the noises, especially the noise from within. We gradually begin to hear the numerous voices speaking from within. Through these voices, we become conscious of our inner being. In silence, therefore, we encounter our inner self. This self-encounter can be confrontational. Could this be the reason why I am afraid of silence?


Whatever may be the answer, confrontation is not usually a pleasant experience. When confronted, we are challenged, exposed or made insecure. However, through it we learn to readjust, improve or fortify our defence. But if not properly handled it can be destructive. Who likes to be confronted? Such is the one who is not afraid of silence.


 No one is completely good and none is totally bad. The struggle lies in weakening our weaknesses and growing in virtue. But do I really want to see myself as I am? There is a certain sensation we derive from momentary escape from this naked experience of self. This sensation carries the aroma of: I am a good guy and even better than this other guy, my weaknesses are mere mistakes, I’ll improve but there is no urgency for change, I understand myself and (most probably) God understands too, what do you know about me! So there is always the tendency to shut-up the real self—to attempt an escape. The escape may seem to be succeeding but it is momentary. Sooner or later life events (including supernatural events) will intervene to expose the hidden self, to confront us. At this time, the sensation turns sour.


In silence, this deceptive sensation is easily exposed. But I enjoy something of it and it is, at least at the moment, pleasant. Why should I allow silence to stir the still water? I am afraid not only because I might be confronted with the truth I already know, but because of the demands of such realization—demands which I’m not sure I am prepared to meet at the moment. So if I can dodge this confrontational silence, I may at least continue to swim in momentary peace and self-glorification. Is this why I am afraid of silence?


The weapons I need to shoot down silence  are not far-fetched: phone, TV, computer, Newspapers, music player, radio, chartering, excessive and constant eating and drinking, procrastination and sloth, instinctive and addictive behaviour, over reactive behaviour, etc. Once silence encroaches with its confrontational attitude, only one of these weapons will suffice for me, but to ensure drastic result, at times a couple of these weapons might be employed. However, once silence is shot dead in my life, what is left within? The death of silence implies the birth of noise, which does not confront one from within but rather takes him away from himself. Therefore, a vacuum is created.


But what kind of silence am I afraid of? 


 Jude C. Nwachukwu, C.Ss.R
(My personal reflections)
Redeemer House, Ibadan,
Started writing on 4th August, 2009