DYNAMICS OF MARRIAGE AND
FAMILY LIFE
The role
of Knights in protecting the sacredness of family life
Lenten
Retreat Talk for the Order of Knights of St Mulumba, Ojo Sub-Council
By
Fr Jude Chinwenwa Nwachukwu,
C.Ss.R
1.0. Introduction
(The emergence of the Knights and its relevance to the issue of marriage in the
Church)
2. 2.0. Some
trending issues affecting marriage and family life
3. 3.0. Marriage
as a human affair
3.1. The
human person and free will
3.2. Emotional
and Intellectual maturity
3.3. Blending
of Personalities to create complementarity
4. The
Spiritual Dynamics of marriage and family life
4.1. Marriage as mystery rooted in God’s will
4.2. Marriage as a Sacrament (means of salvation)
4.3. Taking pro-active steps to build and protect
the family
5. Conclusion:
The exemplary role of Knights in protecting the sacredness of marriage and
family life.
1.0. INTRODUCTION
“Catholic Knighthood
started in the Middle Ages with Catholics forming themselves into small armies
to escort Christian Pilgrims to and from the Holy Land.”
The Knights then fought against the enemies of Christianity, who attacked the
Church physically. Later, the Knights came to be recognized as defenders of the
Catholic faithful and of the Catholic faith. “They bound themselves into
fraternal organizations with the general objectives of fighting evil and
promoting good. In particular, they set themselves the necessary task of
uprooting the systematic and structural evil in the society.”
That is why the Order engages in different charitable works, and supports the
Church at different levels.
As defenders of the
faith, it becomes pertinent that the Knights should accompany the faithful in
their pilgrimage journey in marriage and family life. The present enemies of
the Church are not just outside, but even within. Marriage, which is a core
institution in the life of the Church, is under serious attack, more from
within than from outside. However, there are several other societal problems that
wedge war against family life. How can the Church stand if the family is
destroyed? The Knights must draw their sword of prestige and influence—a symbol
of bravery and courage—to accompany the Catholic faithful on their pilgrimage
to journey to a happy and lasting marriage.
2.0. SOME TRENDING ISSUES AFFECTING MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE
The news is
everywhere; the effects are not far-fetched. Broken homes and broken hearts are
all around us. Most of the causes of marital issues are re-occurring. However,
each family seems to germinate their own versions of the same re-cycling issues.
The issues are so many but we want highlight few of the popular ones to help us
in our reflection. They include:
a.
Love: We cannot live without love. But there is growing disbelief in
genuine love. How can one who does not believe that true love exists give and receive
love? A lot of young people today ‘fall in love’ very early. As such, they
readily experience the wounds of love quite early, and severally. Once love is
poisoned in the heart, it becomes difficult to nurture it in marriage. Due to
high level of selfishness and greed in our society, those who try to show love
tend to fear being manipulated or abused in the process. How can one love without
being taken advantage of. Sometimes marital love is corrupted by obsession and
possessiveness.
b.
Submission: In our society, most men expect submissiveness from women.
But women fear being controlled by the men. Is love and submissiveness mutually
exclusive? Is it really possible to relegate submissiveness only to the women,
and relegate love to the men? It becomes a big issue when one responds to the gift
of submissiveness with a sense of control. No one likes to be controlled! Marital
union cannot survive without a certain level of submissiveness. With increased knowledge
and self-awareness, it is becoming more difficult for this virtue to be
practiced.
c. Intimacy: It should be taken for granted that couples are intimate, and
have free access to each other. This bond is often wounded by infidelity and deceit
of all kinds. To hold and maintain affection between the man and the woman in
marriage takes a lot of commitment and effort. Physical, mental, emotional and financial
changes can easily affect one's availability and capacity to give and receive
affection, and to keep the intimacy strong.
d.
Communication: Each individual has a certain unique capacity and method of
communication. Some are more verbal, while others are inclined to gestures.
There are those who easily presume things, while some others are more explicit
and direct. If not checkmated, phone and internet can get in the way of direct
and inter-personal communication among couples. If there is no free and easy
communication among couples, distrust and ‘distraction’ will begin to
germinate. Communication is the key!
e.
Finance: Issues of money are rampant in marriage. It touches almost every
aspect of marriage, including security, wellbeing, ownership and exercise of
authority in the home. Both lack of money and availability of money can bring
serious problems in marriage.
f.
Upbringing of Children: Yes, children are usually expected to arrive in
marriage. While couples look up with joy to having children, often times they underrate
the extent of emotional, intellectual, spiritual, financial and time involvement
in looking after children. Sometimes one partner may feel overburdened with one
or two aspects of this job. When couples do not resolve their issues, one
partner may channel an unhealthy emotional energy to the kids
3.0.
MARRIAGE AS HUMAN AFFAIR
3.1. The Human Person and Free Will
Created in the image and likeness
of God, the human person is endowed with free will. That means man is specially
gifted with the capacity to make choices of his own. The exercise of his free
will in making choices becomes an expression of his freedom as a person. Here
the human person is free to desire and aspire to things, even to the highest
heavens. Once we cannot fully express our free will, we do not feel fully alive
as persons with equal rights and dignity. It becomes demeaning to take away one’s
freedom of choice. The free will is the take-off ground from which we fly to
actions and choices that give us joy and fulfilment. That does not mean that
whatever we choose is automatically good. To perform a good action without our
free will definitely will not make us happy.
We make choices based on our knowledge
of available options. If there are no options to choose from, then there is no
choice! Thus, our capacity to choose increases with knowledge of the options
before us. That is why the more men and women of our time grow in knowledge and
wealth, the more intently they hold to their freedom of choice. We have
eaten the fruit of knowledge and our eyes are open! You can imagine the
implication of this to marriage and family life. Some people are already
feeling in bondage in their own homes. In addition, the human person always
attempts to break free whenever he feels that his free will is imprisoned. Even
God does not interfere with out free will. Only the individual can freely
surrender his free will. This is what happens in the case of religious vows and
marriage vows. In this case, we freely choose to condition our free will or to
surrender it completely.
3.2. EMOTIONAL AND INTELLECTUAL MATURITY
We grow physically, spiritually, intellectually and
emotionally. While physical growth occurs naturally on its own, the others
require more effort and commitment. Though physical growth comes with age, spiritual,
intellectual and emotional growth do not automatically correspond with age. So,
if we do not develop our inner selves while age comes, we might not be matured
enough to handle the new responsibilities that age brings, which definitely
will make demands on us on our spiritual, emotional and intellectual
capability.
Emotions are energies within,
that is why they can affect and influence another person positively or negatively, depending on the type of emotion released. Psychologists define emotional maturity
as “A high and appropriate level of emotional control and expression.” That
means emotional immaturity is a tendency to express emotions without restraint
or disproportionately to the situation. Thus, self-restraint is the key to
emotional maturity. This is where a person with a sound spiritual life easily masters
his emotions. An emotionally mature person pays attention to the impact his or
her expressions or actions can have on others and he pays attention to their
feelings. Signs of emotional immaturity include impulsive behaviour, bullying,
demanding attention, narcissism, etc.
Intellectual maturity refers to a
person who has a high level of sound judgement, guided by wisdom, which comes
from experience and action. Such a person has self-direction, whereby he can set
his own goals, focus on work, study and practice to achieve his set objectives.
Marriage requires a certain level
of emotional and intellectual maturity. It is men and women who are matured
that can use their free will to choose to act responsibly for the good of their
partner, and accommodate them. It takes one who is emotionally and intellectually
matured to communicate effectively, resolve conflicts, take responsibility for
his or her actions and to apologize and accept apology when necessary.
3.3. Blending
of Personalities to create complementarity
Marriage is between a male and a
female. The difference in gender already highlights the certain variation in
personality, which is a person’s way of thought, feeling, or behaviour. A person’s
personality is his or her way of interpreting reality; a pattern of giving response
to issues and his environment. Couples must take note of the difference in
personality with their partner and be creative in accepting them as such. For example,
is your husband or wife an introvert, extrovert (Melancholic, Sanguine, Choleric,
Phlegmatic). Some other variations you should be conscious of include, is he or
she the first born, last born, only child, etc. A person’s core values equally help
to shape his or her personality, such as religious values, political and
cultural values.
Acceptance of each other’s personality
in marriage must be such as to create COMPLEMENTARITY. Any attempt to form UNIFORMITY
by making your partner behave like you will infringing on their free will,
giving room to control or manipulation. Complementarity in marriage creates between a man and a woman an ever-richer
union on all levels of the body, the character and the soul, and reveals to the
world the new communion of love given by the grace of Christ. By
complementing each other, the man and woman bring together the two realities of
their lives, producing a whole that is neither is nor can be alone.
Building a
lasting union in marriage is a life-project. It involves the whole human person,
who matures in self-awareness and awareness of his or partner. However, since it
involves the mastering of the self, and the surrendering of the fundamental instinct
in the human person, i.e. the free will, a successful marriage will take more than
human effort. This is where divine grace comes in for a smooth ride.
4.0. The
Spiritual Dynamics of marriage and family life
4.1. Marriage
as mystery rooted in God’s will
God created man and woman in His
own image and likeness, and called them to the vocation of marriage that the
two should become one flesh (Gen 2:24). It was God who took the initiative, and
instituted marriage according to His divine plan for man. In
pledging himself to the vow of marriage, man and woman freely choose each other
according to the divine will. That means their free choice for each
other must give room for God’s will to be fulfilled among them, which is “the
good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring” (CCC1601).
Since God took the initiative, then
man and woman enter marriage as participants, with already laid down
rules and format, which includes, “What God has joined together man must not
separate” (Mt 19:6). Thus, they surrender their free wills to God through their
marital consent, thereby the freely choose to accept whatever God allows to
come their way in the course of their marriage. By giving back to God the
greatest give He gave them, which their free will, the man and woman love each
other according to the laws of marriage, but give their lives to God, who now
has become the principle from which their actions flow. So, couples do not OWE
each other; that belongs to God! However, they complement each other, through
mutual love and submissiveness to each other, each according to his or her
ability.
This is how marriage brings freedom,
peace and joy. The sense of permanency gives stability to their lives, which is
a sure foundation for growth and progress. Marriage brings orderliness to our
lives and to society at large. The human person, endowed with free will, can be
uncontrollable in his aspirations, even to things that can destroy him. God’s
gift of orderliness in marriage is saving grace for humanity, for without it
there will be chaos in society (1 Cor 14:40). St Paul explains that the order
of the family is centered around Jesus, who is the source and model of the
chain of authority. “Wives should be subject to their husbands as to the Lord,
since as Chris is head of the Church and saves the whole body, so is a husband
the head of his wife; and as the Church is subject to Christ, so should wives
be to their husbands, in everything” (Eph 5:22-24).
There is no room here for control
and manipulation. The husband is the head as Christ is to the Church. That
means the husband’s leadership role is that of a SHEPHERD, who lays down his
life for his sheep. As the Church is the body of which Christ is the head, so
is the wife to her husband. Thus, the wife respects her husband, and like the Church,
bears testimony by the quality of her life to the quality of the shepherding she
receives. “Each one of you, must love his wife and he loves himself; and let
every wife respect her husband” (Eph 5:33). All this is done to please the
Lord, in whom the mystery of marriage is rooted.
4.2. Marriage
as a Sacrament (means of salvation)
The salvation we have in Christ
was prepared by God through a nuptial covenant with His people Israel, which
was fulfilled in the Incarnation of Jesus Christ. Through Him we are bound in
an everlasting covenantal union with God, in which we are reborn as God’s
children. This new order of grace in Christ prepares us for “the wedding feast
of the Lamb” (CCC. 1612). If the model of marriage was used to save us, then
marriage has some ingredients of salvation. May be that can explain why the
first miracle of Jesus and self-manifestation was done during a wedding feast
in Cana in Galilee (Jn 2:1-11).
To live out the marital union
becomes the way couples follow Jesus more intimately, for it requires constantly
the renouncing of oneself, and taking up one’s crosses. Thus, the grace of Christian
marriage is a fruit of Christ’s cross, the source of all Christian life and
merits (CCC 1615). Christian marriage is an efficacious sign, i.e. the sacrament
of the covenant of Christ and the Church. It communicates grace, and sanctifies
the couples (CCC 1617). In other words, marriage is away God answers our
prayers.
4.3. Taking
pro-active steps to build and protect the family
Most marital issues that hurt families
are avoidable. It is better to take preventive measures than to massage the
problems when they arise. Such pro-active steps that build and protect the home
must help couples grow in interpersonal communication, mutual trust and deeper understanding.
These steps must help each partner find fulfilment in the free offer of his or
her consent. Each family is unique; the man and woman must discover and apply
those physical, mental and spiritual activities that engage them together and
involving their personal commitments. These activities must well structure such
that each partner is well accommodated. Such pro-active steps include prayer
and meditation, physical exercise, meals and recreation, time for dialogue and
meeting, etc. Marital conflicts are bound to come. But there must be certain ‘family
habits’ around which they are nullified. When negative energies arise, they
tend to rise so quickly if there are no positive activities that engage the
couples, and through which the negative energies are channeled away. Above all,
the husband and wife must understand and accommodate each other’s sexual
behavior, and maintain a healthy sexual life.
5.0.
Conclusion:
The exemplary role of Knights in protecting the sacredness of marriage
In this reflection, we have tried
to expose some dynamics of marriage and family life to create awareness on some
aspects one can work on to build a happy home. Marriage itself is a mystery so
we cannot exhaust all that can be said about it. However, the few insights
raised here should awaken more thoughts and help the Knights to see the depth
of the work that needs to be done. In this age of advanced knowledge and easy
access of information, men and women have stronger free will or they have become
more self-absorbing such that it will extra efforts to keep them in lasting
union. This is where the Knights, as defenders of the faith, must rise up with
their exemplary lives, and defend the institution of marriage in silence with
their model families.
When the opportunity comes,
members of the Order should participate in marriage classes in their parishes
to educate the younger ones. They should take as an added vacation to help resolve
marriage conflicts among their neighbor, friends and family. I warmly encourage
you all to make yourselves available to sponsor young couples, and journey with
them. This is a gracious evangelism and social work, which is in accordance with the honorary role of the Knights as those who defend and accompany the faithful
on their pilgrimage. You do not have to wait until you have solved all your
marital problems before you contribute to protecting the sacredness of marriage.
Jesus is the wounded healer, and He gives us the grace that through our sufferings
we too can bring healing to others.
These are difficult times; the echoes
of domestic violence and divorce are everywhere. Fear, distrust, suspicion and
tension have become regular visitors to our homes. Even children brought up by
their parents seem to easily abandon their home upbringing and pick up trending
behaviors. The Church is on pilgrimage to sustain the sacredness of marriage. But
the journey is tough, for the enemies of marriage are all over the place. We
are not discouraged, for God is with us. And one of the ways He comes o our aid
by giving us this Sacred Order of the Knights of St Mulumba. Go, therefore,
into the society and among the faithful, to promote healthy marriages and
family life.
May Almighty God bless + you, the
Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Fr Jude Chinwenwa Nwachukwu, C.Ss.R
Saints Peter and Paul Catholic Church,
Tedi-Muwo, Ojo, Lagos
Saturday April 1st, 2023.
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